And I think I read somewhere that given a choice between finding great shoes or having great sex, most women choose the shoes. Five hundred and five women from around the world say these assumptions are all wrong. Among the women in my study, faithful wives who were unhappy in their marriages gave equal weight to sexual and emotional dissatisfaction as their primary issues. Similar to my study of men, only 7 percent said that it was largely sexual dissatisfaction that led them into the arms of another.
So women are not exclusively emotional beings but actively need both emotional and sexual intimacy. Clearly, sexuality is far more important to women than most people think. Both unhappy women and cheating women reported that their number one sexual issue was infrequency with unsatisfying sex coming in at a close second. I worked hard during my marriage until I started having children. I made decent money, but my husband and I decided I would stay at home to take care of the children.
It worked okay until we decided to sell the large house we lived in when the housing market was still a little strong and move our three children into a tiny temporary rental apartment until the housing market dropped enough for us to get the best deal on a new house. The rental was a very frustrating place to live because it was so small and I had a new baby and two other little ones.
I wanted so much to be a homemaker but found it impossible when we were only staying for a few months. We ended up renting much longer than anticipated because my husband refused to commit to buying a new home. We had the money, but the market was still dropping and he wanted to wait for the best deal. When he got home from work, I had to get out from the crying children and the home I hated. After spending so much time together with another man in these leagues, trouble just happened.
We connected and he made me feel so desirable, beautiful, and sexy. I still see this man, but have dated other men as well. Many suffer quietly, feeling stuck and unable to make things better.
There is a collective desperation to their tone, but this desperation can be resolved quickly with the information this book is about to explore. For the women who participated in my research, the number one emotional issue was not having enough time with their husbands, but feeling underappreciated followed closely behind.
It was as though I was the bad one for even asking that we go out alone or take a vacation without the kids. I was a good mom. But his mom lived down the street and was more than willing to help us out. He just never wanted it. That was my life for years. We both worked and came home and it was all about the kids. It was like I was expected to wait about twenty-five years for time with my husband. Beware when:.
A true relationship is about more than just sex. Having a strong, open partnership in which you can talk freely is important to keeping that bond strong, says Sapen. So, talk. Physical contact in a strong relationship should involve more than just actual sex.
Intimate touch , from stroking hair to massaging to simply holding each other, is key to keeping those bonds strong. So we have to make up for it with effort. You're a Dirty Rat Well, not a rat, exactly, but a vole—a prairie vole. This small rodent is one of the few mammals that actually bond with their mates, and a vole's genetic traits give scientists clues about why humans stray from theirs. It turns out there's a switch inside the brain that controls the desire to form close ties.
Emory University psychiatry professor Larry Young, Ph. In male voles, vasopressin helps keep the mate close and the competition far away. Assuming that what's true for voles is also true for humans, vasopressin activates bonding centers in your brain, making you feel attached and protective. In women, oxytocin serves the same purpose. But according to scientists at Stockholm's Karolinska Institute, if you have a certain variation of the gene coding for one type of vasopressin receptor, you won't be as affectionate and cuddly as your mate would like you to be.
The Karolinska study found that with this version of the gene, you're less likely to commit and twice as likely to report recent relationship problems. Having the gene variant isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card, however. Your culture, childhood, and other life experiences play a large role in determining your behavior, Young says. Keep the faith: To ward off any such probabilities in your own relationship, increase your intimacy to boost bonding.
As she responds with five of her own, you'll ignite the vasopressin bonding centers in your brain at least 10 times each day.
You're Not Risk-Averse Enough For many men, cheating is simply another decision, one with its own set of costs and benefits. Infidelity has uncertain and individual outcomes—you don't know how guilty you'll feel afterward, whether or not she'll catch you, or exactly what you'll lose in a divorce—so economists Edinaldo Tebaldi, Ph.
Their study, published last year, reveals that men and women use drastically different decision-making processes. What's she thinking? A lot. Is he worth keeping, or is there someone out there that might be worth the risk of leaving? Just how much money, love, companionship, security will I lose if I get caught spending my lunch hour in a seedy motel?
It's about her relationship, her future, and the investment she might lose if she's caught. Remember: You could be doing everything right and your partner could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of feelings you share, said Dylan Selterman , a social psychologist at the University of Maryland.
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